stand up for yourself.

Had a male patient at work, 42 years, with mental health issues, stand over the front desk staring at me. He had no reason to. As an avid ex-feminist, human rights activist and pro-assertion person (especially in regards to women standing up for themselves), I let him get away with intimidating me. I knew he loved the power he had, the power I let him have over me. I hate myself for it. Why didn't I assert myself and say "No, it's not ok with me that you stand and lean over the desk like that. Maybe you could go and stand elsewhere, like over there, perhaps?"

I guess as it was my last day, I thought it a battle not worth fighting. Also, there was a mum with her bub in the waiting room and I didn't want him to cause a scene. I am still brooding though. I need to pray about this.

---------------------

My whole life I have blamed other people who have hurt me. Yes, for that time it was their fault. They were meant to raise me to become an independent, confident woman in her own right, and instead they allowed great suffering to come my way. A few years on, after thousands of reflective conversations, journal entries, and songs written, I realise their inherent fallibility.

A survivor-in-life friend of mine had said, "how can you expect people to see your wound when they can't even see their own?". Pertinent and perfectly articulate of this.

As women, we need to:

- Run to Jesus as our only authority and truth. He is perfection, no one else is. For years I had been living a lie, thinking that I needed to say yes to all people's requests and demands, or else they would not love me, or I would be a failure of a daughter and friend. When I learned that this was not the Father's will, it set me free.

- Fall in the loving arms of Father. Cultivate a beautiful dependency on Him. It was what you were made for. He is completely trustworthy and holds all the wisdom in the universe. Ask Him for it.

- Practice assertion and boundary setting. Once you know what is true and what is a lie, you can be confident in your "no" and in your "yes". Practice on people who are growing with you. If you are a personal friend of mine, practice saying 'no' to me! You are also not responsible for their response to you. You are only responsible for yourself.

- Surround yourself with all types of godly people. I used to have a really distorted view of men and relationships. It wasn't until I joined Student Life, a Christian movement on campus that I met amazing godly guys who showed me how a woman should be treated. I am now dating a really great guy who put much thought and prayer into pursuing me. He is so great that I now understand and embrace all those passages about submission!

Pauls, Barnabases and Timothies.

P - Do you have a spiritual mentor? Seek one out at your church. I did, and now we are about to launch a whole mentoring program!

B - Who is walking with you spiritually and on the same journey as you are? The lens which you look at the world should be Jesus's. You will share these experiences together, talking about how you both dealt with them, and how you can continue to be the aroma of Christ to the world.

T - Who are you spiritually influencing? This is hard sometimes, I know. But never think you are not influencing anybody. Younger Christians are always watching you.

- Protect your time with God. I should have started with this, but empty yourself before Him, before receiving what He has to say to you. At some points in time I feel so busy but an attitude of "I'm too busy NOT to pray" reminds you that apart from Him you really can do nothing.

Without quality time with God, we end up merely existing and not living. If our relationship with Jesus is eternal, then He is the reality. Prayer and the Word is a reminder of our belonging to Him and our eternity in Heaven.

Functionality, the god.

[fuhn-zchion]

Jaw is sore.
Doctor diagnoses as "...cause of stress, fatigue"
Teeth gritted to finish the job
A job well done
Job = done well.

Three people:
Leader. Follower. Slacker.
Enmass, machination
Teeth gritted (right down) to complete the job.
A job well done.
Job = done really well.

You will take the phones
While I, the banking
And you(th) to scan out the back there is a problem?
Problem. Problem.
We solve it, and then it's a
job well done.
Job = done brilliantly well.

--------------------------------------------

Enough of you do not deal with the wound.
There is a problem. You ignore it. You smile and you are polite and you make small talk but you do not deal with the problem.
This is incredibly, desperately, damaging.
Pick your battles. Be assertive and not aggressive. Anger is a valid emotion, but (with)in your anger do not sin. This is difficult, but we'll get there.

Too many of you worship Functionality, the god.
The god who lets someone continue in ignorance for the sake of not stepping on toes.
The god who smiles politely to mask deep, gaping wounds.
The god who has become so great at putting on a mask you are the social link-up.

Functionality has made you a fake.

This is not life. This is bondage to your own ideas of self preservation, when Christ came and died and was resurrected so you could live your life filled with non-agenda'd, love-for-the-sake-of-love for others.

-------------------------

My best friends and I are going to spend a weekend away crying.
It is the best idea we've had all year.
Then one of us will get married.

Three confident, gorgeous, highly functional women in the eyes of the world:
A first class honours graduate in a corporate job.
A high school dux, multi-lingual, highly versed bride-to-be.
And me, the indie muso and soon to be social work graduate.

What do you say, that the Lord sees only sleet and His justification,

The resume blows away like chaff
And what is left?

Delight.

This dress, it was my mother's. She must have been a size 7 at twenty years of age. Her tiny waist slipped comfortably into the zipper stage, where my own thighs struggle.

A rip, and a seamstress's brilliance later - a hug for a greeting. His hand enters mine. Surprise.

I say, are we? now?
He says, if you are fond? and then
I don't say. I shrug.

I adore his eye. Attention to minute detail, every subtlety well surpassed by onlookers rushed, rushing, ransacking treasure with the mind. But he is the one who stops. And looks long.

And confusion
imminent . Be spoken of!
I am withdrawing words, eating each echelon concept because, because

Belief: He will speak of it on his own accord.

I say, I am not ready yet,
that was silenced to me.
He says, our pace?
I say, is your decision.

He asks (like he is seventeen and I, sixteen and
this is 1954 and
we are yet to be acquainted with technicolour films)
if I would be his girl.

I would be his girl.

Take aways

Speak slowly, clearly, and respectfully to everyone. Sorting out miscommunication is such a waste of time.

Nothing says 'community' like walking through your old primary school, working for the AEC in your local suburb, chatting to the Korean retailers, asking the librarian for good old fashioned find-a-book help, and strolling home after dark, feeling perfectly safe. It's taken me ten years at least.

Singing to Father is good for the soul.

If a boy asks you to have coffee with him, he is not asking you to overanalyse his every text message into insanity. He is just asking you to have coffee with him!

You are only responsible for so much. (Psalm 16)

Card making is not only therapeutic, it's cheaper and more personal to the card-makee.

Some people really are destroyed from lack of knowledge.

Journalling over coffee is always a good idea, so find your favourite cafes in at least four suburbs and enjoy!

Relax about the future. Seek first the Kingdom. Trust God.

Every person, no matter what age, ethnicity, gender or sexuality (whether you agree with their lifestyle choices or not), were made in the image and likeness of God.

We all have opinions. It's not always appropriate to air them.

Be quick to listen and slow to speak. When words are many, sin is not absent.

Persevere with the contexts God has put you in. If you aren't sure that Father has placed you there, consult with an older and wiser Christian who walks with you.

Make sure you are constantly, always, continually, daily walking with fierce gospel carriers, fat with the love of Christ in them...

Criticisms bother us because we think they might be true, but not nice. We weren't called to be people of nice, but people of Truth (in love).

I am no longer ashamed to admit that given the opportunity, I would happily give up everything to be a full time Mum! (Yet I really have no idea what this entails).

We are called to love everybody. This doesn't mean we have to like them, become their best friend, say 'yes' to every ridiculous request they make, or listen to their potentially poisonous words. Regretfully, the uniqueness of every person means a personalised treatment of love to each.
[P.S. He, Jesus, was pierced for OUR transgressions, and bruised for OUR iniquities, suffering death on a cross for US! So LOOK directly towards Him.]

Everyone is often in their own fantasy land, their own dream. Some exceptional people are not essentially self interested and so have trained themselves to see things from another point of view. Aim to be one of these people.

the ransacker's rip

Red ones with gold characters
Discovered
By the un-oriental, and who knew our culture but us?
Amount you gave me that year, Cousin, we won't know.
And it's too rude to ask.
Recover the love letters
Entitled with all your names, all of them
And I stopped writing them only because
They were (no longer)
between us.

frozen lake

Three bags of cocaine

Led your two month old baby boy
to me

Rest assurred,
I will kiss his tiny face to sleep
Until he feels adored.

And his sister, your daughterIs the most beautiful little girl I've seen
She made up her own rules for tic tac toe
She was x and I was o, o, oh.

For one night they will stay near the beach
And for two weeks
They will play with the horses
(Shame baby's not old enough to "neigh")
Nanna,
Come flying on a jet plane
Scoop up the babies
I hope you have a good relationship
Cos you will raise the kids from now

I wonder if you were more desperatefor love or money
Did he make grandiose promises like
"I'll be your man baby,
I'll be the one to protect your kids"

A ma with bubs is so unsuspecting
What shall we say to your offspring?
That Ma wants you to go skate in the frozen lake down the park 'cross the street
While she attends to business overseas (?)

Young lady

As you fall asleep on your knees
If you could wish for one thing from us

I know it would be to see her again

Mama,

Come back on a jet plane and

Scoop up your babies

I hope that when it's explained to them

They don't discredit your love

Say goodbye
As you embrace her and your little man

I hope you maintain the relationship

Cos you won't see your babies for a while.

Jessica Santosa Music

Copyright 2010

Currency

Every time I'm stoned on the couch
My newborn baby cries:
"You have withheld your love from me again"

Every time I judge you
As I walk down the street
The Holy Spirit grieves.

Every time I blog
About the selfishness of Westerners,
I allow you no chance to defend yourself.

Every time I abruptly answer you
One ear hole is blocked
With an extra mouth

All the times
I fight wars with petrol bombs
In the name of God
I am endorsing belief in anything but-

Every time I refuse to make plans with you
It means I really think
I am better than you

Every time I pay another woman to sleep with me
It's not cheating it's variety
I am the fool.

And each time I fall in love
With the flesh and blood because I am lonely
I keep saying,

eternity is not good enough
I want the temporary.

eternity is not good enough
I want the temporary.


Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me.
Psalm 66:20