Pray.

I have been on my knees
before
Lifted my hands to the heavens

Mumbled aimless words
in the hope that You would hear
me.

Within the confines of my
double-brick house
or perhaps
tightlywrapped in my thickest quilt?

I am begging You
in between heavy sobs
that make my throat busy

should i speak clrer?
clearer?
CLEARER?

do you turn a volume knob God?

i am drawing pictures in my head for You
writing long, long letters ..
abbreviating words like:
JC, HS, phil, rom, col, gen
ysiC, jess x

ON MY PHONE I TXT MY SiC WHO IS IN HOSP.
& ASK THAT YOU HEAL HER BODY
BCOS I KNOW THAT U R SOVEREIGN

Lord,
even
online I approach Your throne of grace,
because You know what is in my heart
already

before I have even opened
mymouth.

Holy Spirit,
transform me from the inside
out
So I may
become more like the
Son..

Amen.

The End.

Do I need to introduce it? Boy Fast ended. Yesterday. It ended well. One of my best godly sisters sent me an sms in congratulations:

"Happy BoyFast end day! You have grown so much in wisdom.. I'm so proud of you! Love you."

Why am I so unenthused?

Perhaps, I started out with trepidation, thinking that God would prophesy a single status for me, for the rest of my life. Or perhaps these past 13-months have been so eventful that I am only just recovering, emotionally.

Here is a Quicklist of things I learned, in addition to my previous entry regarding BoyFast lessons:

• Your relationship with God and your family will determine how you relate to EVERYBODY ELSE, whether you realise this or not.
• You need to be completely honest and constantly filling God in on what's happening in your heart and mind.
• Refusing or delaying a person who clearly wants to pursue you whilst ON Boy Fast is completely ok, but incredibly difficult, especially when your feelings for them are reciprocal. YOU NEED TO WAIT TIL ITS OVER as you have made a covenant with God!
• Pray about everything. Pray about everything! I'm serious. Philippians 4:6.
• Once patience is acquired, especially since I had none of it prior to Boy Fast, dealing with things becomes easier.
• God fulfills all your emotional needs. To elaborate, when you're upset about something, shut the door to your room and pray. Cry to God. Vent. Tell Him everything. He wants to know.
• Relationships with wise sisters in Christ are valuable spiritual investments. I have many older, wiser women mentors that have been extremely supportive, helpful and encouraging, as well as same-age sisters that have kept me accountable and shared in my joy or pain.

The first 6 months were the hardest emotionally, and the Holy Spirit thoroughly worked on those inner, underneath heart-problems. Some nights I would stay up late in bed crying my eyes out, seeing my wounds resurface, thinking it was all hopeless and unfixable. Sometimes the guilt of my past was just too difficult to bear. One of my mentors called it "breaking and re-building". Often in this period I was in despair, but soon I found my heart being repaired by the One who crafted it in the first place.

At the seventh to twelfth month God really broke me. First my financial support was cut off, teaching me to be content without money to spare. If you have known me pre-Fast you will know what happened in November. This not only shook my family and I but our entire lives were turned upside down. Then in February, my house was ransacked by a stranger, adding more problems to our already shaken lives. From March to May, I turned 20 and didn't care. Things seemed to be getting harder for my family, and certain moments I once held in high esteem didn't seem to matter so much anymore. Like this birthday.

I can honestly say, God has brought me to a point where I can only rely on Him for every emotional, physical, and spiritual need.

Once, I would call a boy who showed an inkling of concern for me when I was upset and needed someone to talk to.

Now, I go to God, because I realise how much I've overestimated a man's care for me.

Once, I played games and manipulated the guy I was interested in, so that he would pander to me.

Now, I couldn't think of anything more unfortunate and unloving.

I was planning on listing more "Once.. Now"s but I think they're better left unsaid.

All in all, I want to learn the secret to contentment, wherever and however I am. To take away one single thing, it would be that the Lord is sovereign and bigger than any of my problems, that He is faithful and works out everything for the good of those who love Him.

And don't worry about anything, but replace that anxiety with PRAYER!

Performance Intimacy

I truly did love tonight.

Throughout the days leading up to tonight, I prayed that God would take over me completely and that it would reflect in my performances. Perhaps I took the easy road. The Sando in Newtown (upstairs, not down :) is renown for its intimacy in its small, cosy box space. People must consciously look for the upstairs venue and pay to get in. Yasmin Smith, the performer after me described it well, when she said in between songs "I like this venue.. it's like someone's lounge room, and everyone's sitting on the floor."

Kicking off the night, I took advantage of only the handful of people (basically all my own Christian friends) watching me. I really struggled with what to say in between songs, since it was a secular gig. I find, especially after tonight, that if your songs are personal then you too must be personal when you speak. It seems the logical follow-on. But, what if you're only up there because God put it on your heart to be up there? So I shared how each song was a lesson that God had taught me. My technique of evangelism was testimonial, not (stylistically) factual. Personal, not systemic and practised. (Just for the record, the number of people in the room doubled by the end of my second song, and they were faces I didn't know! Praise God.)

After I finish my B Social Work degree, I am going to become a counsellor. I will learn how to understand and relate to all different types of people. So far I am really enjoying it. I wonder how much longer this music ministry will last, because right now it's an adventure and music is such an easy way to present the gospel - to share Jesus - to the lost. At one point I wanted to drop everything for the music but on further reflection and continually asking God, I am not only unsure of this, but am quite content with where I am. I was born for such a time as this. I recognise these gifts as coming from my Maker and he wants me to use my youth, my freedom, and my music to glorify Him right here and now.

So tonight I got to share my heart. I got to talk about God in a personal way. I was given the opportunity to share the gospel on a public stage. I will remind myself over and over, He is the Maker of all things, and the stage was His.

Holy Spirit, may you give me the boldness and the words to say, so that I may be prepared in season and out of season.