"Happy BoyFast end day! You have grown so much in wisdom.. I'm so proud of you! Love you."
Why am I so unenthused?
Perhaps, I started out with trepidation, thinking that God would prophesy a single status for me, for the rest of my life. Or perhaps these past 13-months have been so eventful that I am only just recovering, emotionally.
Here is a Quicklist of things I learned, in addition to my previous entry regarding BoyFast lessons:
- Your relationship with God and your family will determine how you relate to EVERYBODY ELSE, whether you realise this or not.
- You need to be completely honest and constantly filling God in on what's happening in your heart and mind.
- Refusing or delaying a person who clearly wants to pursue you whilst ON Boy Fast is completely ok, but incredibly difficult, especially when your feelings for them are reciprocal. YOU NEED TO WAIT TIL ITS OVER as you have made a covenant with God!
- Pray about everything. Pray about everything! I'm serious. Philippians 4:6.
- Once patience is acquired, especially since I had none of it prior to Boy Fast, dealing with things becomes easier.
- God fulfills all your emotional needs. To elaborate, when you're upset about something, shut the door to your room and pray. Cry to God. Vent. Tell Him everything. He wants to know.
- Relationships with wise sisters in Christ are valuable spiritual investments. I have many older, wiser women mentors that have been extremely supportive, helpful and encouraging, as well as same-age sisters that have kept me accountable and shared in my joy or pain.
The first 6 months were the hardest emotionally, and the Holy Spirit thoroughly worked on those inner, underneath heart-problems. Some nights I would stay up late in bed crying my eyes out, seeing my wounds resurface, thinking it was all hopeless and unfixable. Sometimes the guilt of my past was just too difficult to bear. One of my mentors called it "breaking and re-building". Often in this period I was in despair, but soon I found my heart being repaired by the One who crafted it in the first place.
At the seventh to twelfth month God really broke me. First my financial support was cut off, teaching me to be content without money to spare. If you have known me pre-Fast you will know what happened in November. This not only shook my family and I but our entire lives were turned upside down. Then in February, my house was ransacked by a stranger, adding more problems to our already shaken lives. From March to May, I turned 20 and didn't care. Things seemed to be getting harder for my family, and certain moments I once held in high esteem didn't seem to matter so much anymore. Like this birthday.
I can honestly say, God has brought me to a point where I can only rely on Him for every emotional, physical, and spiritual need.
Once, I would call a boy who showed an inkling of concern for me when I was upset and needed someone to talk to.
Now, I go to God, because I realise how much I've overestimated a man's care for me.
Once, I played games and manipulated the guy I was interested in, so that he would pander to me.
Now, I couldn't think of anything more unfortunate and unloving.
I was planning on listing more "Once.. Now"s but I think they're better left unsaid.
All in all, I want to learn the secret to contentment, wherever and however I am. To take away one single thing, it would be that the Lord is sovereign and bigger than any of my problems, that He is faithful and works out everything for the good of those who love Him.
And don't worry about anything, but replace that anxiety with PRAYER!
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