Unsure at the Undaground.

I am becoming disillusioned at 20.

At 13, the thought of getting up infront of people to sing and play guitar made my hands sweaty and shaky and my heart beat faster..

At 15, tiny spurts of potential were being worked on by my music teachers. I performed without confidence. I just needed confidence..

At 17, I wrote my first solo song for HSC music. I couldn't write music properly, so I left it as a performance piece and something to use to fill in sets at future gigs..

At 18, I completely abandoned music exams, my guitar and my voice. I ignored anything to do with performing musically. I sang at church once and they told me I was off tune.

At 19, I met someone who inspired me to pick up my guitar and start writing again. Back to needing confidence...

From 19 to 20, and now nearly 21, fast track back into 1. confidence; 2. original repertoire; 3. validity; 4. professionalism and

>> 5. Musical Identity.

No better way to explain this than to paraphrase what Geoff of Musicians Prayer Network told me after watching my set at the Undaground last night, Aug 9:

"Interesting style you have. It's definitely not commercial. This means you won't be popular, but niche. You'll appeal to a specific group of people who will like your sort of music. I think you were largely performing to a Christian crowd, so it was ok to say the things you said on stage, but it's better to keep the deeper stuff for the fans that keep coming back to your gigs... Ultimately, you're performing to an audience of One, and what the world needs aren't musicians who will give them what they want, but musicians that will show them what God wants for them."

It was a big deal to meet Geoff. I have wanted to meet him for a long time. What he said last night has greatly affected me. Yes, I am comfortable with never "making it" in the mainstream. I have always known I was niche, as many of my influences (Christian or otherwise) are also fringe musos. Also, I have seriously considered writing a silly/cheeky song (Uncle Mike's advice) to balance out my sets. I can't always have my dream gig - small, intimate venue with loads of floor space for people to sit, relax and listen and be truly interested in the birth of each of my songs! I'm a pretty intense singer/songwriter so last night, I felt a little silly being as open as I was.

The journey has been good and difficult. Once upon a time it was about having the singing/playing ability. Then it was about confidence. Now it's about experience, identity and marketability. Sometimes I hate that I'm so open. It often leaves me feeling overexposed. But, sometimes it has turned out beautifully, and I can't deny the beauty of that intimacy. In fact I love it, and I hate that I get more and more discouraged when it doesn't turn out so well.

Things I need to do better next time:

1. Choose venues wisely.

2. Assess audience - receptive? non-receptive?

3. Better to play with someone than without. It's not as lonesome :(.

4. Let the song do the talking, unless, you sense the audience wants to hear the externals...

I just pray God used it. Whatever happened last night. That some teenage girl listened to anything I said, and that it sear in her mind for the rest of her life, so she may be led to make right decisions and not the wrong ones which my songs were based on..